| Changes... |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|12:45 am] |
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Tonite I resigned from my job. Well...one of my jobs lol. The one that I've been attatched to for the last three years...and I actually feel great about it. I feel fresh...if that makes sense. I can't believe I left though...took alot of thought and alot of talking with the hubster. Its for the best. Its my time. And who knows, I may be back...but right now I'm going to take a different path and work on my life and get things sorted. This change might be good. |
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[May. 28th, 2009|05:59 am] |
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Well I can't believe this is happening to me. I didn't want it nor plan it...but its ok. I'm dealing and will be taking care of it. *sigh* |
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[Apr. 24th, 2009|10:45 pm] |
I feel alone tonite. He worked like...12 hrs today and was gone for 13. Not that I'm a needy kind of person, but right now I've got a yeast infection, my period AND hemmroids in my bum bum (tmi? stfu)...It hurts to even sit. I can't work obviously, so I've been sitting, alone all day. And he gets home and I tell him I need him to take care of me and spend time with me, and he half bitches me out because he's got MORE work to do (which is BS because I'M the one who handles the photo business) ...all he has to do is pay a few bills online and thats it. He's saying he needs to do housework too...but like, obviously I should come before sweeping and mopping right? Especially since he'd been gone all day, I need to spend at least a BIT of time with him. I swear, the last week or two he's been insanely disconnected and its making me worried. He says nothing is up, but something doesn't feel right in my gut. He doesn't look at me, he doesn't really talk to me, or listen to me...loses his temper easily and doesn't give me a chance to talk. I try telling him I feel alone and he just ignores me more, or tells me that he just doesn't have the time. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I just thought we could hang out and eat PB cookies and talk or whatever...but he's got more important things to do. Looks like I'll be sleeping alone again tonite.
This all makes me miss....wait, no nevermind. I've never had a normal, super loving relationship. Let me go back to my dream world and imagine perfection. |
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[Apr. 14th, 2009|05:41 pm] |
Why don't I keep more up to date on this thing? Its like as soon as I got engaged, I stopped reflecting. At least stopped reflecting externally. Maybe I got weirded out by knowing the hubby checked my journal and felt I couldn't rant here. Well...I'm gonna start blogging more...err...ranting lol. Yes Darren, I realize you will read this, and yes you are a pain in my fucking ass. You WILL read about how much I hate it when you forget to put the twist tie back on the hotdog buns and they go stale, or how much your bathroom smells once you go poo. You'll hear about how I really DO want to make sweet sweet love to Nick Carter, and that your beard gave me a rash this morning when I kissed you goodbye. But you'll also hear about how much I luff you, so at least enjoy that part :P
In other news, I'm financially stunted. My computer died. I cant' work. Theres hope for me to get an iMac this week but we'll see. I just want to get my ass out of debt so bad...it seems like forever until it'll happen though. The whole thing just intimidates me. I honestly don't know how it got this bad...I realize that the wedding probably accounted for half of it, but still... boo. I watch Til Debt Do Us Part every single day and marvel at how wise the host is, and wish she'd come and rescue me because I feel like I'm drowning.
I want to start modelling again. I have so many concepts for shoots and I am excited about them. I need a team though, now that I'm in Halifax, I don't have my hairstylist or makeupey friends so I need to hit up Model Mayhem or Kijiji and see who'll do TFP or something. I've gained weight, but I'm trying to keep it in check...and Darrens a marvel with photoshop anyways so he can suck in my gut and smooth out my cellulite but yeah...I want to model. I feel pretty when I can look at my pics and feel accomplished. Plus, I'm aiming to enter Maxims Hometown hotties next year, so I gotta get my portfolio bumped up!!! |
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[Feb. 24th, 2009|04:02 am] |
I've been finishing the packing tonite and have seriously been reflecting on my time here in London. I never thought that I would get nostalgic or sentimental at all, but now...with tomorrow being the day that all of my belongings get taken away...I am. I've been here since 2004 so...five years...which is a long time when you're only 24 yrs old. I've gone through the worst time in my life here, and also the best! I've gone through the worst relationship of my life, college, the BEST relationship of my life, attained a wonderful couple of dogs here, got married here...and now I'm leaving. I'm ok with it though because I know I'll be back...if not just to visit, but I can see myself coming back here one day to maybe raise a family. I do love this city dearly...its been alot of fun here and the memories are unforgettable!
So...my last post in this wonderful city...peace out! See you in Halifax mutherfuckaaaas. |
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[Feb. 21st, 2009|01:14 pm] |
So I'm moving in three days. And its a big move. WTF did I get myself into? I'm frustrated because we've been slacking with the painting and packing and I just want to end this nightmare full of boxes and tape guns and little foam peanuts. Can't wait to be there, and have my crap unpacked so I can get back to a normal life...haven't had one since I got engaged. Ahh to have a weekend off...with nothing to do...no appointments, no distractions...I'd kill for that.
In other news, my parents aren't making it down to visit today. They were gonna but the roads are bad, so I likely won't see them...until....who knows. Maybe next year? *sigh* Oh well. And I'm uber sad/angry...my brothers family is breaking up and its just a big mess and certain people are being greedy...and their poor children are being the ones suffering in all this. I hate how sometimes adults can act like children...which makes the actual children grow up too fast. So sad. I wanna scoop them up and take them out of the chaos for a while...sounds like they need it.
Anyhoo, I'm gonna go see if I can find the Dayquil in one of the boxes I packed...woke up sick as a dog. Whooo. |
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[Jan. 25th, 2009|10:10 pm] |
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You actually make me wish death upon myself. You make me cry, you don't care to even see that. You get angry at my pain. You hurt me, and then hate me because I feel it. Who am I to you? I don't even fucking know... |
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[Jan. 12th, 2009|05:09 pm] |
I'm broke and I hate it. The wedding + christmas totally raped my bank account. Oh what I'd give to have an extra 100 bucks and be able to just go out and grab some dinner that isn't ramen noodles/KD/canned soup.
Blah. I feel like I'm wasting away. I NEED TEH FOODZ.
In other news, I'm leaving for honeymoon in three days :D. All inclusive which means yummeh food there, but I gotta watch what I eat because I'm fucking paranoid as shit about getting ill. I just want a week where my ass is not glued to the toilet. I wanna pig out and get trashed. Too much to ask? I think not. |
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[Dec. 28th, 2008|07:51 am] |
Soo I'm moving to Halifax. I think I'm excited about it...but a bit apprehensive as well. Just a huge change and committment and being as broke as we are ATM because of the wedding and then xmas right on top of it...I"m worried about how things will work out. I can't seem to find the time to work lately, and I hate it. I always think "wtf else do I have to do with my day" but I always have something to get done. I did however get a teeny tiny unpaid promotion at work,and although my responsibilities like tripled, it makes me feel good to be recognized.
Darren got his promotion too (hence the move to NS) and I'm super proud of him. I think he's finally starting to make serious goals with where he wants to go in the next year, five years, ten yrs etc. And seeing him move forward like that gets me excited for the day when we can finally adopt and I can be mommy :)
So yeah its like...super effing late...or early...8am, haven't slept yet. I hate my body for keeping me awake all nite. We have a family portrait to shoot in a few hrs too lol. I feel so effing queasy yet I can't put down my diet coke and Chunky soup lols. Ahhh and I had the icky poops earlier, TMI I know but if you can't handle hearing how my ass burned, then you can just kiss it!!!
Anyhoo, I'm tired of typing. My insomnia makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and just pass out. |
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[Dec. 10th, 2008|01:47 pm] |
Wow...so I'm married! The day was absolutely perfect.
I woke up around 5am, and paced the floor for half an hour until the alarm went off. I was beyond terrified lol. I was nervous all morning. Amanda and Silvia came to do hair and makeup (they made me look gawwwwgus) and then I had a minor freakout when the photographer was a bit late (she ended up getting lost in the hotels shitty floorplan) but once she got there, I hopped into my dress and thus started the endless paparazzi-style photo taking all day. Once I was dressed and had my accessories on (including a new Swarovski bracelet from Darren) I walked downstairs to the ballroom to meet my soon to be husband. We had a beautiful moment in the ballroom and cried a little. Then it was off to Springbank park to get our photos taken in the snow. Yes thats right - the snow. It was freezing and there was a snowstorm going on that closed down major highways...but we got it done! Then we went back to the hotel and I sat in the ballroom with my girls and waited for our cue to go get married! I had a mini panic attack but all was good and then finally I got to leave the ballroom to walk down the aisle! The ceremony flew by, I don't remember much because all I could think about was "omg...omg....omgggggggggggggggg" but thankfully I have video of it coming lol. Then after it was over,and I was Mrs. Hatt, we went off to be greeted by guests and then have more pics taken!
The reception was amazing....so beautiful. So elegant. And the food was tastastic, although I couldn't eat much of it because my dress constricted my gorging tummy. We danced the nite away and mingled with guests...and it was just stellar. Just thinking of it all makes me cry. I can't wait to get photos to post here, but yeah...twas awsome. |
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[Dec. 2nd, 2008|05:42 pm] |
Seriously blah. MOTHER FUCKNG BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I don't understand why people can't just save their drama and shit for their own lives and not let it interfere with family members most important days. Just suck it up and be civil for one fucking day.
I'm pissed. I was sympathetic at first and had empathy for them, but now I'm pissed. And I don't care if I sound like a selfish bitch...its my day. Its not about you. Get over it. |
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[Nov. 24th, 2008|02:55 pm] |
So its 13 days away and the last week has been hell. Dads been an unreasonable prick. My dress got butchered. Stress mania.
Darren might be getting transferred to Nova Scotia. I am excited about it...I think it'd be a great experience for us both to kind of pick up and move somewhere totally new and different. It'd bond us together for sure. It won't be easy, and will cost us some money but it'll be worth it. Dads not taking it well though, he doesn't want me to go at all. And now he's panicking that I'm not "saved"...like fuck off. Seriously. He can't just be my father...he has to be some bff of jesus that feels that I'm a failure in life without God. Can't take that crap right now.
My dress fitting went horribly. I got there,and put on the dress. Darren tried zipping me up and within a minute the clasp at the top popped off. I fucking need Spanx. My fatass can't fit into the dress anymore :/ The worst part of it all was that I tried it on, looked in the mirror and saw that my dress looked totally different! Instead of raising the lace overlay on it a few inches, they grabbed random pieces of it and sewed it together to kind of lift it. It looked like utter crap. Darren was like "umm whaaaat?" and I instantly started crying...it took about an hour of trying to convince the little polish seamstress that she effed up and she had to fix it. I swear to god, it better be perfect when I pick it up next week.
Things in my family are falling apart I think. Its sad. There are days when I feel like I'm the black sheep of my family and that I'm the only one who gets what life is about. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in and I feel like I've escaped that level of irrationality. Sucks.
Anyways I should end this. I can't believe I will be married in less than two weeks! CRAZYYYY. |
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[Nov. 11th, 2008|07:03 pm] |
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I'm incredibly sad right now. This wedding cost me one of my friends and I hate it. We don't talk. She didn't come to my shower, and I'm not getting invited to any functions that include her. Its lame and beyond juvenile. Fucking pisses me off. |
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[Oct. 28th, 2008|02:01 am] |
My hamster fucking bit me! Fucker! So now I have this massive bandaid on my fuck-you finger, and I'm trying to type one handed. Which'll mean this entry will take twice as long but whateva!
Only 40 days left til the wedding and I'm getting nervous. So much left to do and pay for and take care of and I'm so afraid I won't get it done in time :/. We started our pre marriage counselling last friday...and it went ok. We obviously have the huge effing issue to work out that went down a couple weeks ago...but hopefully we get it ironed out in the next five weeks lol.
I'm really tired of my mood swings. They're making me spiteful and angry all the time. And I get so hurt by the smallest things and just want to hurt myself or throw shit. I hate it. Totally not myself and I gotta get it under control...I think its PMDD. Only happens the week before my period...speaking of period, I gotta do the math on my period and make sure I won't be hysterically bitchy the week or day of the wedding...EEP. |
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[Oct. 18th, 2008|12:26 am] |
Seriously..........WTF is up with people thinking I'm pregnant?
FUCK OFF. |
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[Oct. 16th, 2008|05:23 pm] |
I am so unbelievably over this wedding. First it was just all financial stress. Now its just being overwhelmed by the zillion and a half things I need to get done. Endless appointments with people, hundreds of favors to make, trying to get all of the wedding party together and co operating, working out travel details etc etc etfuckingcetera. Doesn't help that the guy who's going to be at the end of the alter waiting for me decided to lie to me last week and fucking killed any excitement I DID have planning for December. Don't you hate people? At least I know he's sorry. Otherwise I'd be living alone right now, he'd be back in his mothers basement and I'd be counting out whatever money I could get back from all the wedding vendors...fuck. I hate my ranty journal blogs but the only time I need to write or even think about it is when I'm pissed.
In other news, I'm getting my tattoo finished tomorrow. I also have hundreds of photos to take for customers at work and I am two weeks behind on it. I feel bad, but like...I've been sick, I've had a bunch of stuff going on...and they need to be done tonite but I sooo don't feel like it. I've also been M.I.A. from work alot the last few weeks and my paycheck is suffering bigtime. I can't wait til January when I have nothing to do but work. At least then I can pay off my debt and start saving for my dream home.
Shauns angel date is coming up in a few weeks...along with Darrens brothers wedding and Darrens bday (which I don't know if I'm doing anything for, since I'm not exactly liking him at the moment). So much coming up. Oh, and my final fittings, and then my bridal shower. GAhh...someone please whisk me away and give me a vacay. |
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[Sep. 12th, 2008|07:57 am] |
I want to feel pretty. I dont know..I've gained some weight lately, and need to lose it...plus my skins acting up because I've been stressing and everything is just blah.
I've been getting more excited about the wedding though!! Ever since Darren notified me that we had passed the 100 days left mark...I've been getting butterflies in my stomach and the excitement is building! And so far, everything is going ok financially...I think I'll be able to pay it all off which makes me feel good..just gotta keep workin hard!
I haven't been writing alot this summer...mainly because not much has gone on. We had the stag and doe party which went pretty good...but I had to cut a bridesmaid from my clan and I'm really sad about that. Her heart just wasn't in it I guess. :( But my best friend from highschool is taking over and I couldn't be happier...she's uber excited. I want her to come visit though! Haven't really hung out with her in like...five years!
Anyhoo, I'm ending this so I can..err..do nothing lol. Tis my life! |
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[Aug. 10th, 2008|11:10 pm] |
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I'm broke, hungry and desperately need hairspray. Gah. |
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[Jul. 29th, 2008|09:58 pm] |
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I hate this wedding, I hate everyone involved, I hate that no one cares what I want, or what makes me happy. I don't want to sound like a spoiled bitch, but when I ask you for help and you promise to be there, don't fucking bail on me and think you're still in the right. Yes it seems like I overreacted but I only "overreacted" because I just had one of my best friends completely bail on one of the biggest nites of this year.
And to the guy who is supposed to be my brother, don't even THINK about stepping in like that again at MY party and telling me who can and can't come. Douchebag.
I just wish things could FOR ONCE go my way. There are four months left and I can honestly say this whole experience has been the biggest letdown. Everyone says to me "omg you must be so happy and excited!!!"...and of course I say "yes!" but really I'm thinking "umm k, furthest thing FROM excited here and totally wishing you'd offer to step in my shoes and play bride for the next 16 weeks kthx."
Bloody hell. I want it over now. People just don't get how important this day is to me and I hate that.
Fuck you to everyone (minus Danielle) involved. |
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[Jul. 14th, 2008|04:54 pm] |
So yeah...Hating this wedding yet again. Everyone who is SUPPOSED to be helping me isn't. I'm not naming names here because I'm not entirely sure who reads this anymore, but yeah...I've about had it. I got stuck planning the entire Stag and Doe party, because the person who volunteered to oversee it, hasn't even gotten a hold of me for things. And Darren hasn't done much of anythign either, I asked him to do two things for it : get a hold of his brother to see if he can MC the thing, and go take pics of the venue...neither of which he did. So now I have no MC, and no idea what the place even looks like so I can decorate. And I only have less than two weeks to plan and I'm just like hating everyone involved in this wedding. Oh wait, I'm the only one involved, so I guess theres no one to hate eh. Fucking hell.
Sorry to rant. I'm just deflated yet again. Darrens excuse for not helping is "well I don't know what to do so I just don't do anything" .......like huh?: Like I know what to do either, I've never planned one of these parties...how awsome of you to just sit back and let Tanya take the reins as per usual. Last time I checked, you were the groom and I was the bride...50/50 here, partnership...isn't that what marriage is all about? Fucker.
*sigh* |
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